Are You A “People Pleaser”?
Do you apologize often? Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Do you feel uncomfortable when people are displeased with you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you likely engage in people pleasing behavior.
Most people believe this behavior comes from a place of general kindness or genuinely wanting to see other people happy. There is a difference. Building healthy relationships do not require your sacrifice. Unfortunately, it screams “I’ll take on your discomfort so that you’re comfortable and okay with me.” You’re hoping they will see you as a team player, easy to work with or accommodating; and like so many others you will find yourself feeling disconnected, disrespected and lonely.
Your need for validation and affirmation from others runs much deeper than wanting to avoid conflict. Taking the time to explore why you get caught up in this cycle is very important. Your sense of self is the price you pay when you put other people’s comfort ahead of your own. Most people have fluctuations in their self-esteem because life happens. As a therapist, we find a common denominator of low of self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love and confidence. When a person is lacking these components, it is a breeding ground for believing “if you’re happy, I’m happy.”
When you are describing stressful and toxic relationships, I encourage you to take an audit of your behavior in the interactions. You may find that you display people pleasing attributes even for people that you dislike. It’s to be expected that relationships of all kinds require some give and take, but it is impossible to nurture authentic relationships with a need to be liked and accepted.
How to Break the Cycle?
Put some boundaries in place! Boundaries create safe spaces for you and tell others where to stop. But remember you have to enforce these. No one will know if you don’t protect it.
Say yes to you more! It’s self-care! Before you say yes to others, evaluate your plate. Just because your plate is almost empty does not mean you are free to take on things from other people. Let them manage their own plate.
Check your cup! Your cup belongs to you and you have to manage the contents. When you cup is half full – you are running low. This is where you take a step back, restore, recharge and reboot to refill your cup. When you start to run over – you can resume assessing the needs of others.
Use assertive communication! This means that you take a stand without explanation. There is no fluff (justifying why) because you need to be clear. Assertiveness removes the inclination to say more. The person on the receiving end of your “no” is their issue – not yours. Let them manage the discomfort.
Love on you! You can start by asking yourself “what about me?” You have a choice and its lovely when you choose you! Do it often so that you become accustomed to it and embrace it.
If you find these tips difficult, I encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional to help you take a deep dive into your patterns of thinking, behavior and emotional health. Just in case you didn’t know – therapy is a form of self-love. IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU!