Why Coping Skills Are Important
What are they? Why are they so important? Where do I get them? These are all valid questions when you’re asked, “what are you doing to cope?”. It would be great if we had a laundry list of healthy coping skills on hand, but the truth is we learn by watching how others cope.
It never occurred to me when growing up that some behaviors I observed were people “coping”. Coping with “life happening”, things they could not control and issues that had become chronic and just wanted to escape. What they were trying to escape was never obvious but seeing the relief a person had when they got that puff from a cigarette was a sign. Over time hearing statements like “I need a drink” or “I like being high because I’m calmer” were evident that some of this must be learned too. People are not just creating these vices, some of them are taught. They were being taught how to cope with whatever life throws at them from watching those around them and assuming that is works or that’s what everyone does.
There are many but some of the most common coping vices are drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, smoking cigarettes and even WORKING! Unfortunately, as most of us have experienced; they don’t work for long and they often become bad habits that do more harm than good. This is where drug addiction, hypersexuality, overeating (and food restrictions), “retail therapy” become problematic. We must be honest with ourselves; they do not help. There has to be a limit to all things. Even those working long hours, working out or just scrolling social media have to be careful. Too much of anything has a point where it starts as a “mental getaway” and ends with a barrage of negative thoughts, emotions and burn out. It’s understandable that if we are not careful, the very thing that was supposed to help becomes uncontrollable. The purpose of coping tools is to help alleviate tension, change perspective (or emotions) and give a mental break from racing thoughts or overthinking an issue.
A review of current coping tools/vices are reviewed often in therapy sessions. We identify a way to measure the reduction of poor coping tools and the increase of healthier ones. The goal is to change the scales and balance what you can. There has to be a truth moment with yourself about how you are dealing with your stressors, poorly managed relationships and issues that are not within your control. Coping tools are important because they help us do just that – cope – deal with things.
Things like mindfulness that helps you tap into your awareness and consciousness so that your response to issues are aligned. There are several ways to meditate so research them and see what may be helpful for you. Coloring, gardening, reading a new book, writing your thoughts (journaling), blowing up balloons, painting or even singing can be helpful. The thing that tends to throw people off about coping skills is the need for them to be done often and even better in a routine. It’s unrealistic to believe that when you are “in need” that these coping tools will occur to you. At that point the coping skill cannot match the intense feelings you are experiencing. You will likely become frustrated and convince yourself that they do not work. If you are consistent and aware of what each coping tool does for you – you can create a long list of coping skills for yourself that you only need to adjust at times of high anxiety, stress or frustration. As you slowly eliminate the old habits, you will eventually replace them with some that are much healthier.
The bottom line is if what you are doing is no longer healthy and helpful, you need to explore more. Most things work when used appropriately and become second nature. Engaging in therapy is not always about your past but this where together we identify the source of some poor habits and reveal what you need today.