Growth Is A Choice

Growth is a state of mind that we must place intentionality behind as we continue to be our best selves. As we grow in the things that we discover and uncover about ourselves, a sense of uncomfortably will naturally occur. I want to encourage you to embrace those challenges as you get uncomfortable. Embrace the things that you don’t know, and strive to understand how they apply to your life. 

When you wake up in the morning, ask yourself “how do I want to grow today?” Allow the things that happen in your life to be lessons that craft and shape you into the person you are. Take note of your reactions, thoughts, and feelings about your growth, because as you continue to grow you will notice that everything requires thought. Every time something negative happens, think twice before you respond. Every time something positive happens, fully embrace the feelings that you associate with it.  Everything matters. Everything. 

Developing a growth mindset doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time and conscious effort in order to craft your mind to benefit your overall life. As you make the choice that impacts your life, always remember: change is inevitable, growth is optional. 

What will you choose? 

If you need some support in developing a growth mindset, click here to book a session with us, and let’s get you started on the journey to forming healthy long-term relationships. 

You Have To Focus On You

Healing is a word that can mean many different things to many different people. Going through the healing process, or calling yourself healed after a traumatic event or circumstance proves that life is an ever-changing journey, filled with seasons that we cannot predict. But, how does one heal? 

How does one self-heal?

Self-healing is the process of recovery that is motivated by and directed by a person that is often guided by instinct. Our nature allows us to be protective to ourselves and our surroundings, so self-healing is your mental response to the very core of who you are. As you are intentionally creating a space for yourself to heal, it is important to place habits in your life that take up time in order to shift your energy level, your mood, and thus cause self-healing to occur. 

You may be thinking, why is it important to heal? Well, let me be the first to say that healing is a continuous process that is important to your overall health and wellness. Not only does unhealed trauma have an effect on your mind, it can also have long-term effects on your body. In order to live life in a fulfilled way, self-healing must be a part of each season in our lives. 

Just remember, it starts with the mind-shift that must take place and the implementing habits that can support your healing.

Here are 5 ways that you can practice self-healing on a regular basis.

1. Meditate. Take 5 minutes out of your day to center yourself. Play sounds of nature, and be one with yourself. Close your eyes and focus on nothing but the sounds of nature. 

2. Breathe Intentionally. Feel each and every breath that goes in your nose and out of your mouth. You can also combine this technique with meditating for a more focused experience.

3. Eat well. Eating well not only improves the physical condition of the body, it provides you with greater energy throughout the day and gives your brain the nutrients that it needs. 

4. Rest- Sleep is the most important because your body needs to rest itself to heal and get stronger. Aim for at least 7 hours of sleep.

5. Yoga. This is a great way to move your body while also practicing a state of calmness. Whether it is a group class or a solo virtual session, yoga helps you to relax, center you and lessen distress.

If you are struggling with healing in your life, schedule a call to chat with one of our therapists.  Click here to book a session with one of our licensed professionals, who are ready to see you get well. We are ready to support you in your journey to healing.

Self-Judgement Versus Self-Awareness

What’s your real opinion of yourself? Do you find fault in all that you do? Is your self-talk primarily negative talk? 

This is a running theme we see in counseling; clients often have a negative view of themselves that manifests itself into self sabotaging thinking and behavior, inability to take compliments, and lots of harsh judgment. Do you think that if you judge yourself enough that you will eventually live up to the perfection you have in your mind and at that point it is ok to love yourself? 

There’s a difference between self-awareness and self-judging. One has nothing to do with the other and you do not need one to have the other. 

The judgment that we have for ourselves is born out of the act of comparing ourselves to others and an ongoing recognition that we have not reached our goal; meaning we are not successful. We have a difficult time creating personal and professional goals because we have convinced ourselves that we aren’t going to succeed in that way. We have essentially trained ourselves to say, “you are not as good as them!” This mindset typically has an origin of failed attempts or being told “no” – so we give up. Giving up supports the judgment and we convince ourselves it’s true. 

Self judgement breeds fear, anxiety, anger, and cycles of depression. Some may engage in judging themselves first before others do it as a sense of motivation, but to be so critical of yourself can lead to stagnation. 

How is this different from self-awareness? Self-awareness is not about finding fault within yourself. It is more so being aware of self judgement and how often you pick yourself apart. You can interrupt your habit of self judgement by looking at yourself more objectively. Work on understanding your patterns of behavior, thought, and feeling and how it dictates your interactions within the world around you. 

Self-awareness is primarily about the ability to pay so much attention to yourself that you get you! With an increase in self- awareness your relationships can be revamped. You can say to someone, “I’m aware of my behavior and I recognize how it impacts you.” Your pattern of decision making is changed because you are aware of the choices that truly impact you. You’re able to compartmentalize thoughts, emotions, and behavior. It allows you to slow down and say, “is this my issue or someone else’s.” Essentially, an increased sense of self can change you and the relationships you maintain. To increase your sense of self, I recommend you do this:

*Start by paying attention to the things that rub you the wrong way.

*Pay attention to how others interact with you as an increased awareness.

*Slow down and observe the world around you more. 

*Identify the things that trigger you and the situations that you avoid as a result. Then, learn to manage your thoughts and emotions. 

*Become more mindful of how you speak of yourself and others.

*Be intentional about how you engage with others. Eliminate the comparisons because this is not the time for competition. 

*Review your value system.

Are You A “People Pleaser”?

Do you apologize often? Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Do you feel uncomfortable when people are displeased with you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you likely engage in people pleasing behavior. 

Most people believe this behavior comes from a place of general kindness or genuinely wanting to see other people happy. There is a difference. Building healthy relationships do not require your sacrifice. Unfortunately, it screams “I’ll take on your discomfort so that you’re comfortable and okay with me.” You’re hoping they will see you as a team player, easy to work with or accommodating; and like so many others you will find yourself feeling disconnected, disrespected and lonely.

Your need for validation and affirmation from others runs much deeper than wanting to avoid conflict. Taking the time to explore why you get caught up in this cycle is very important. Your sense of self is the price you pay when you put other people’s comfort ahead of your own. Most people have fluctuations in their self-esteem because life happens. As a therapist, we find a common denominator of low of self-worth, self-acceptance, self-love and confidence. When a person is lacking these components, it is a breeding ground for believing “if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

When you are describing stressful and toxic relationships, I encourage you to take an audit of your behavior in the interactions. You may find that you display people pleasing attributes even for people that you dislike. It’s to be expected that relationships of all kinds require some give and take, but it is impossible to nurture authentic relationships with a need to be liked and accepted. 

How to Break the Cycle?

1. Put some boundaries in place! Boundaries create safe spaces for you and tell others where to stop. But remember you have to enforce these. No one will know if you don’t protect it.

2. Say yes to you more! It’s self-care! Before you say yes to others, evaluate your plate. Just because your plate is almost empty does not mean you are free to take on things from other people. Let them manage their own plate.

3. Check your cup! Your cup belongs to you and you have to manage the contents. When you cup is half full – you are running low. This is where you take a step back, restore, recharge and reboot to refill your cup. When you start to run over – you can resume assessing the needs of others.

4. Use assertive communication! This means that you take a stand without explanation. There is no fluff (justifying why) because you need to be clear. Assertiveness removes the inclination to say more. The person on the receiving end of your “no” is their issue – not yours. Let them manage the discomfort.

5. Love on you! You can start by asking yourself “what about me?” You have a choice and its lovely when you choose you! Do it often so that you become accustomed to it and embrace it.

If you find these tips difficult, I encourage you to reach out to a mental health professional to help you take a deep dive into your patterns of thinking, behavior and emotional health. Just in case you didn’t know – therapy is a form of self-love. IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU! 

Five Ways to Stop Staying Too Long

Why would anyone stay in a relationship longer than they have to?

Why would anyone continue to work at a job with no movement?

Why haven’t you moved on?

These are the questions that can keep us up at night and make us lose focus throughout the day. Recurrent questions of “why” and “what if” plays over and over again in your head. You talk about your situation to whomever is willing to listen to the point of exhaustion, yet you are still there. I get it!

You invested time, energy and you process levels upon levels of emotions. You have convinced yourself that there is a reward at the end for the time you’ve given a situation. You have expectations from time spent. Your ability to stay longer than necessary is built on negative thinking patterns, past traumas and maladaptive coping skills that you’ve probably had all your life and you try your best not to speak on them. 

Guilt and regret run together. This is coming from you knowing your situation is not healthy. The idea of detaching from the people, place and things that trigger the feelings from past hurts is familiar. But this is where you will feel like you are harming yourself; it’s that internal fight we call cognitive dissonance. You know that your situation does not align with your values, ideals and beliefs yet you continue to participate in the cycles of stress. 

Clients that come through our doors often have underlying low self-worth. It can feel like a double-edged sword when you know leaving is the answer but the idea of leaving and starting over feels overwhelming. As a result, you stack your reasons to stay in “it” because change just might be catastrophic. We fear the judgment of others and sometimes want to prove we have the ability to withstand. Do you really want to prove you can live in toxicity? How does that build your self-worth? 

The shame and fear mounts and will trick you into thinking you have to be more understanding, have more sex, reduce your standards or “start over”. The truth that wakes you up at night is your nervous system saying we are overloaded from trying to work against knowing we deserve better. Thoughts such as “I’m over it”, “I have nothing left” and “I’m depleted”. The most common reason we hear people stay too long is because they are simply afraid. We know all too well how fear can interrupt our thoughts of having the things we want even if the current situation is toxic. Fear of the unknown is valid! However, is it the first time you’ve had fears and did what needed to be done anyway? 

What are you proving by staying? What you need is on the other side of the distorted version of “safety” you are sitting in. You have convinced yourself that you are safe; that it’s not that bad. If you aren’t sleeping well, you’re emotionally eating, you have repeated visions of living a “better” life and the symptoms of depression and anxiety are piling up – then it is THAT bad and you ARE NOT comfortable. Here’s five places you can start. You can do this! 

1. Acknowledge you are not actually stuck. You feel stuck. You are afraid of disrupting the normal toxic routine. 

2. You are worthy! Aren’t you worth fighting that fear? If you are visualizing the better life, that means you have a new destination and assignment to create that for yourself. Mediocrity is no longer acceptable. You demonstrate your worth by choosing you.

3. People will always talk. They will talk about what they know, and they will make up stuff to fill in the gaps. Do it anyway! What you share is up to you but know that as soon as you take the opinions of others into consideration you are no longer living for yourself.

4. You aren’t being selfish. You have to utilize the resources. You have the time, the opportunity, the motivation and the resources to do what’s necessary.

5. Adjust your expectations. You are changing which means your expectations have changed as well. You want better! 

I’ve stayed too long in more situations than I bear to mention. I was not groomed to ask for the best of everything, so I allowed myself to be complacent in some of the most toxic environments. Looking back on it, I thought it was a part of life. I wanted to “settle into it” and not be a complainer, I wanted to “look happy” like everyone else but I was eating my feelings, sleeping more to escape my reality and lying about my life to seek some validation from others. Once I learned that I was worth it and that I could create it I pushed back on my fears. I was off to change my life! Did I get everything right – nope – but I was able to say with conviction that I was worth the risk! 

Start Building Self Esteem Today

High self-esteem is an extremely important characteristic. Without high levels of self-esteem, you are unlikely to see yourself as being worthy of success or happiness. Low self-esteem can create emotional and cognitive behaviors that are not aligned with who you are or who you want to become.

Higher self-esteem will give you the courage to keep going when things get tough. The way that you see yourself can change your perspective from a pessimistic expectation to an optimistic one. It can make the difference between pushing through or staying in limbo.

Unfortunately, the value of self-esteem is often overlooked, yet the truth is we could all improve our level of self-esteem in some way or another.

The things that can improve your self-esteem can be quite simple, yet it requires consistency. What are some of the things you do for yourself that makes you feel good about yourself? What behaviors do you engage in or see others practice that you believe will illicit higher confidence, self-acceptance and worthiness?

I can tell you from experience that my self-esteem did not increase until I put boundaries in place that allowed me the time and ability to focus on me. Working on self-development, envisioning myself saying “no” to people, places and things that no longer allowed me to grow. Trusting myself to know what was good for me without opening the door for the opinion of others. I no longer sought the affirmation and validation from my friends and family. Furthermore, I unselfishly loved myself the way I deserved which automatically created boundaries for others who attempted to mistreat me.

The conversation that you have with yourself is the most critical one you can and will have in life. Trying on clothes and calling yourself fat, skinny, stupid, dumb, too short, too tall, too dark, too light or ANYTHING other than beautiful will cause your self-esteem to plummet. How can you lift your spirit and feed your soul garbage at the same time? It doesn’t align; therefore, feed yourself an abundance of good and healthy thoughts!

It’s quite ok to have days where you aren’t feeling your best so do not beat yourself up when you find it hard to speak so kindly of yourself. However, lifting yourself out of the dumps requires intentional care so you don’t stay low. Fill your cup with affirmations such as the following:

• I can respect myself, even if I didn’t do it in the past.

• I will continue to grow and thrive; despite my beginning.

• I am capable of handling difficult situations.

• I may be tired, but I have what it takes to meet my goals.

• I have pride in who I am because I am not a quitter.

So, when you look at self-esteem from this perspective, you can see that overall self-esteem is just a balance between things that make you feel good, and things that make you feel bad. If you feel good more often than you do bad, you will have higher self-esteem and vice versa. The key here is changing what you’ve always done to what you’re starting to do. If you are able to identify the things that make you feel bad and replace them with the things that make you feel good, ultimately your self-esteem will improve.

This principle of change is so simple it is often overlooked, because people become used to doing the same things day in day out. Change the record! By doing the same things every day, your thought patterns remain the same every day and so you FEEL the same every day. Change the way you think and feel so you can ultimately change your life. If you continue to struggle with your self-esteem I encourage you to reach out to a local therapist who can help you identify barriers to change and assist you in sorting through your feelings or take a look at some self-help books that target increasing self-esteem. I personally did both and I am grateful for my commitment to working every day at being better than I was the day before and I truly want the same for you too!

Infidelity – Caught In The Act

Trust is an essential element to any relationship and is at the core of healthy relationships. Trust is built out of verbal and non-verbal communication. Unfortunately, once that trust has been abused and mishandled, it can be very difficult to rebuild.

Let’s say that you have a long-term relationship and you really love your partner, but your affair is revealed. No matter how you were caught the shock and betrayal have to be managed if you want to save the relationship. Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, anger, embarrassment, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame; but an affair does not have to mean the end of your relationship.

Here are some useful tips that may help you save your relationship:

• You must end the affair. If you want to preserve the relationship with your significant other, all interactions and communications must cease immediately with the other person.   

• You must have open communication and tell the truth. The lie has been revealed and you must be intentional and transparent. You will feel judged and unloved during the conversations but unfortunately this is often part of the process. The worst has already occurred, and denial of the truth is insulting especially when the person is now aware of the lies. Your goal is to salvage and rebuild. 

The long list of questions, the probe for details, the mixed emotions and seemingly irrational rants are a reaction to pain. If you do not want to lose your mate, you will have to endure their adjustment to learning about your secrets. Identify your issues and why you chose to break the agreement. If you do not communicate truthfully the relationship will fail. The two of you will have to determine if you want to work on saving the relationship or separate.  Together the relationship needs to be examined because it has now been altered.

• Apologize. You broke the agreement to be exclusive and your partner is emotionally hurt and confused. You need to communicate remorse and begin new behaviors that support your apology. Be accountable for your choices and do not attempt to put the blame on your partner.  

• Give your partner some space. Stress is stress; whether it is emotional, physical, mental or financial and neither of you can rush the process of getting on the other side of the issue. You must take breaks from the issues to allow ample time to evaluate and actively engage in self-care. 

• Seek counseling. Infidelity often reveals unspoken expectations, codependency as well as incompatible ideas and needs. Counseling provides both parties an impartial ear, objective ideas and a safe space to process the trouble spots. There is a deep dive into “why” and then “what now”. This is where new agreements and expectations are created, respect is learned, and understanding can happen. 

Sometimes after overcoming a situation like this, the relationship exceeds your expectations and a healthy relationship is born. But understand, you may also find that you have had some poor coping skills, toxic learned behavior, unrealistic expectations and damaging patterns that you or both of you will have to work on managing for the duration of the relationship and your mental health. This is possible for all involved but not without empathy, patience and willingness. 

4 Steps to Begin Conquering Low Self Esteem

Believe it or not, some of the most successful people you see in the media today used to have low self-esteem. How did they overcome this and become the successful people that they are today?

You CAN win the battle over low self-esteem beginning with these 4 steps.

1. Affirmations

Affirmations are simply positive statements that you say out loud to yourself every day. This can be very difficult at times because you may not actually BELIEVE what you are saying. So why would you say something to yourself that you don’t believe? Affirmations strengthen our belief in our potential to manifest our desires.

Increased self-esteem has to start with you. Your self-esteem is likely a product of hearing negative messages over and over again, so often that you began to believe them. Therefore, one can surmise that countering them with positive messages will over time, become believable. Positive affirmations such as “I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacefully detach from them” or “I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind”.

Repeat statements like these to yourself out loud at least 10 times in the mirror before leaving home. When you say them, do not mumble them, say them as many times as necessary with passion and conviction.

2. Read to grow

Again, increased self-esteem starts with you and what you practice on a daily basis. Read something every day for at least 30 minutes that will help you increase your self-esteem. This can be an article, a book, or even a listening to a podcast that supports the affirmations you repeat. The more you learn and incorporate into your thought patterns the more you will grow. The more you grow, the more your self-esteem will improve.

3. Take action every day

Do something every day, starting with something small, that directly positions you to deal with your low self-esteem. For instance, if you have difficulty talking with people because you feel insecure and inferior, start off by saying speaking and proudly stating your name with eye contact. Do this with everyone you come in contact with to build your confidence the fears of having to interact with others in a social setting. The consistency pushes out the habit of negative thinking.

4. Manage the negative thoughts

Negative thoughts are like land mines. As soon as you step out to face your fear, a negative thought comes and tells you that you CANNOT do it and BOOM; you believe it and lose that round. Instead, diffuse negative thoughts before they have a chance to do damage. A great way to do damage control is by challenging the negative thoughts. A pattern of thoughts often filled with assumptions, generalizations and catastrophizing that create a cycle of thinking that seems to support the low self-esteem. Every time a thought comes into your head that tells you that you can’t – counter it with how you CAN succeed.

These four steps are a great starting point and quite possibly may seem challenging but remember there is no quick fix and the goal is to focus on progressing and managing. As long as you are working on it and progressing, it means you’re still in the fight and you have not given up on yourself. Self-esteem is filled with self-acceptance, self-worth and self-love, all areas that took a beating over time. Reclaim your sense of self and work diligently on rebuilding! Books, positive statements from others, focusing on your strengths and working on areas of improvement, journaling and engaging in individual therapy are all layers of helping yourself overcome a poor sense of self. Tap into your resources and become that better version of yourself.