Reaching Forgiveness

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How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me? How can I forgive my significant other for betraying me?

How can I face and forgive abusers and manipulators?

How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?

These are just a few of the questions that come up in session about forgiveness.

We have all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul, and it is. It would be great if we could will(force) ourselves to forgive, yet forgiveness cannot be forced. For so many people forgiving is looks like denying the anger, shame, blame, embarrassment and judgment that may still be there. It has been said that “it’s letting them off the hook without a punishment”. So how do we reach forgiveness?

Forgiveness toward others can occur when you start to actively forgive yourself and make a regular practice of loving yourself. When you judge yourself, you will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others, no matter how much you tell yourself that you have forgiven them.

Let’s start with the first question about forgiving parents. As long as you continue to treat yourself in the abusive ways your parents may have treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It is your lack of self-care that perpetuates that anger and hurt. As an adult, you have a wonderful opportunity to learn how to treat yourself with the love, respect, caring and understanding you may have lacked as a child. When you don’t make an effort to accept that you’re not able to change the events that took place, you stay in that disempowering space. Yes, you were wronged, placed in situations where you had no control and robbed of your voice. Now you unconsciously continue the abuse on yourself; similarly, to the way you were abused. When you quiet yourself, you pass on the opportunity to advocate for you! Then you shame yourself, fearing the opportunity to create protective boundaries that can help you heal.

How can you forgive your significant other?

This one can be tricky because you may struggle with taking responsibility for your participation in the breakdown of the relationship which can be confused with taking responsibility for the betrayal. This is definitely not the case! Ask yourself about the times you did not listen to yourself or honor yourself in the relationship. Do you need to forgive yourself for having lose boundaries? Do you have some patterns of behavior such as perfectionism, gaslighting, poor listening skills or controlling behavior that contributed to negativity in the relationship that you perhaps need to change? This means looking at yourself when you really want to focus on the how and why of the other person. It’s hard to see your partner as this flawed being that was willing to put themselves in the position to betray you, but unfortunately human beings are truly flawed. Your partner’s betrayal (no matter how much they attempt to blame you) is not your fault and you will have to accept that you are not the identified person to fix them. Each person will need to be accountable for their own actions. Your job is to investigate how to improve your understanding of what contributed to the injustice. Even if you plan to leave the relationship, you need to forgive yourself and you will eventually create the space to forgive the other person.

Facing and forgiving abusers and manipulators actually has little to do with them. This is not about pardoning, excusing or saying, “I forgive you”. It’s about rationalizing you have been mishandled and mistreated - you are choosing to live a fulfilling life despite their lack of respect, care and concern for you. You have been living in a toxic situation and sometimes you judge yourself for “staying too long” or tell yourself “I should have known better”; that’s looking back and living in the past. Once again, forgiveness is about the natural outgrowth of doing your inner work, moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion. When you move out of self-judgment you move into acceptance and forgiving yourself for not looking for what’s “owed to you” which is essentially looking for revenge.

How do you forgive yourself when others do not forgive you and throw your past in your face every chance they get? Please know that you will be stuck in anger, self-sabotaging thinking and behavior, judgment, and a victim mindset as long as you allow others to be responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself. Their forgiveness has nothing to do with your decision to judge or forgive yourself. You can learn to love, accept and respect yourself despite your flaws, imperfections. It is all part of the growth process.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary. It has to be intentional and it is followed up with managing your perspective, your emotions and your behavior. It’s not about letting go or forgetting; but it is about change, being resilient and overcoming. Forgiveness is often mistaken for the hope of an apology and acknowledgement of wrongdoing – unfortunately you might be waiting for a long time. Looking for this has the makings of holding on to the hurt and pain until they give you permission to let go….You are in charge of your thoughts and feelings and you have been empowered for a long time with the ability to move forward.

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