Spring Clean Your Mind

Spring. The time when the flowers bloom, the sun starts to shine bigger and brighter, and you make room to clean up your home, get rid of the old, and make room for the new. We all know this as “spring cleaning” but I want to challenge you and ask this: do you clean everything when you spring clean? Do you spring clean your mind and make room for the best version of you? Spring cleaning doesn’t just apply to those old shoes in the back of your closet; it also applies to those internal things that you are still holding on to. It applies to those relationships that ended poorly, that venture that did not turn out the way you thought it would, and it applies to those thoughts that hold you captive to becoming the best version of yourself. 

As you look forward to the new season, I want to encourage you to spring clean your mind. Start with writing everything down, and in specific I want you to focus on the things that have consumed your mind from the last six months. After you journal down the things that you have thought about, ask yourself the following questions:

What is this thing that I am holding on to?

Why am I holding on to it?

How does this thing affect what I think and believe about myself?

If I let go of this thing today, how would I feel?

As you answer these questions, I want you to dig deep, and I mean really deep. Dig into those parts that answer those questions truly and honestly. Allow yourself to be open and honest to your answers to the questions, and then release them. Throw the paper in the trash, burn the piece of paper in a safe way, or rip the paper apart as a simple exercise to show the strength and courage that you have over those things that have been consuming your mind. As you release those things into the world, allow new thoughts of positivity and newness to enter you, so that you can accept the new thoughts that consume you. Make room for those new things to fill you internally so that you can receive the external newness in your life. Practice this for at least 3 days, and challenge yourself to make this a habit throughout the year as you assess who you are, what you want, and how you are working to become the best version of yourself. 

If you are having trouble uncovering some things in your life, or need some help spring cleaning your mind, click here to book a session with us, and let’s clean up together. 

Reaching Forgiveness

How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me? How can I forgive my significant other for betraying me?

How can I face and forgive abusers and manipulators?

How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?

These are just a few of the questions that come up in session about forgiveness.

We have all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul, and it is. It would be great if we could will(force) ourselves to forgive, yet forgiveness cannot be forced. For so many people forgiving is looks like denying the anger, shame, blame, embarrassment and judgment that may still be there. It has been said that “it’s letting them off the hook without a punishment”. So how do we reach forgiveness?

Forgiveness toward others can occur when you start to actively forgive yourself and make a regular practice of loving yourself. When you judge yourself, you will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others, no matter how much you tell yourself that you have forgiven them.

Let’s start with the first question about forgiving parents. As long as you continue to treat yourself in the abusive ways your parents may have treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It is your lack of self-care that perpetuates that anger and hurt. As an adult, you have a wonderful opportunity to learn how to treat yourself with the love, respect, caring and understanding you may have lacked as a child. When you don’t make an effort to accept that you’re not able to change the events that took place, you stay in that disempowering space. Yes, you were wronged, placed in situations where you had no control and robbed of your voice. Now you unconsciously continue the abuse on yourself; similarly, to the way you were abused. When you quiet yourself, you pass on the opportunity to advocate for you! Then you shame yourself, fearing the opportunity to create protective boundaries that can help you heal.

How can you forgive your significant other?

This one can be tricky because you may struggle with taking responsibility for your participation in the breakdown of the relationship which can be confused with taking responsibility for the betrayal. This is definitely not the case! Ask yourself about the times you did not listen to yourself or honor yourself in the relationship. Do you need to forgive yourself for having lose boundaries? Do you have some patterns of behavior such as perfectionism, gaslighting, poor listening skills or controlling behavior that contributed to negativity in the relationship that you perhaps need to change? This means looking at yourself when you really want to focus on the how and why of the other person. It’s hard to see your partner as this flawed being that was willing to put themselves in the position to betray you, but unfortunately human beings are truly flawed. Your partner’s betrayal (no matter how much they attempt to blame you) is not your fault and you will have to accept that you are not the identified person to fix them. Each person will need to be accountable for their own actions. Your job is to investigate how to improve your understanding of what contributed to the injustice. Even if you plan to leave the relationship, you need to forgive yourself and you will eventually create the space to forgive the other person.

Facing and forgiving abusers and manipulators actually has little to do with them. This is not about pardoning, excusing or saying, “I forgive you”. It’s about rationalizing you have been mishandled and mistreated - you are choosing to live a fulfilling life despite their lack of respect, care and concern for you. You have been living in a toxic situation and sometimes you judge yourself for “staying too long” or tell yourself “I should have known better”; that’s looking back and living in the past. Once again, forgiveness is about the natural outgrowth of doing your inner work, moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion. When you move out of self-judgment you move into acceptance and forgiving yourself for not looking for what’s “owed to you” which is essentially looking for revenge.

How do you forgive yourself when others do not forgive you and throw your past in your face every chance they get? Please know that you will be stuck in anger, self-sabotaging thinking and behavior, judgment, and a victim mindset as long as you allow others to be responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself. Their forgiveness has nothing to do with your decision to judge or forgive yourself. You can learn to love, accept and respect yourself despite your flaws, imperfections. It is all part of the growth process.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary. It has to be intentional and it is followed up with managing your perspective, your emotions and your behavior. It’s not about letting go or forgetting; but it is about change, being resilient and overcoming. Forgiveness is often mistaken for the hope of an apology and acknowledgement of wrongdoing – unfortunately you might be waiting for a long time. Looking for this has the makings of holding on to the hurt and pain until they give you permission to let go….You are in charge of your thoughts and feelings and you have been empowered for a long time with the ability to move forward.

Start Building Self Esteem Today

High self-esteem is an extremely important characteristic. Without high levels of self-esteem, you are unlikely to see yourself as being worthy of success or happiness. Low self-esteem can create emotional and cognitive behaviors that are not aligned with who you are or who you want to become.

Higher self-esteem will give you the courage to keep going when things get tough. The way that you see yourself can change your perspective from a pessimistic expectation to an optimistic one. It can make the difference between pushing through or staying in limbo.

Unfortunately, the value of self-esteem is often overlooked, yet the truth is we could all improve our level of self-esteem in some way or another.

The things that can improve your self-esteem can be quite simple, yet it requires consistency. What are some of the things you do for yourself that makes you feel good about yourself? What behaviors do you engage in or see others practice that you believe will illicit higher confidence, self-acceptance and worthiness?

I can tell you from experience that my self-esteem did not increase until I put boundaries in place that allowed me the time and ability to focus on me. Working on self-development, envisioning myself saying “no” to people, places and things that no longer allowed me to grow. Trusting myself to know what was good for me without opening the door for the opinion of others. I no longer sought the affirmation and validation from my friends and family. Furthermore, I unselfishly loved myself the way I deserved which automatically created boundaries for others who attempted to mistreat me.

The conversation that you have with yourself is the most critical one you can and will have in life. Trying on clothes and calling yourself fat, skinny, stupid, dumb, too short, too tall, too dark, too light or ANYTHING other than beautiful will cause your self-esteem to plummet. How can you lift your spirit and feed your soul garbage at the same time? It doesn’t align; therefore, feed yourself an abundance of good and healthy thoughts!

It’s quite ok to have days where you aren’t feeling your best so do not beat yourself up when you find it hard to speak so kindly of yourself. However, lifting yourself out of the dumps requires intentional care so you don’t stay low. Fill your cup with affirmations such as the following:

• I can respect myself, even if I didn’t do it in the past.

• I will continue to grow and thrive; despite my beginning.

• I am capable of handling difficult situations.

• I may be tired, but I have what it takes to meet my goals.

• I have pride in who I am because I am not a quitter.

So, when you look at self-esteem from this perspective, you can see that overall self-esteem is just a balance between things that make you feel good, and things that make you feel bad. If you feel good more often than you do bad, you will have higher self-esteem and vice versa. The key here is changing what you’ve always done to what you’re starting to do. If you are able to identify the things that make you feel bad and replace them with the things that make you feel good, ultimately your self-esteem will improve.

This principle of change is so simple it is often overlooked, because people become used to doing the same things day in day out. Change the record! By doing the same things every day, your thought patterns remain the same every day and so you FEEL the same every day. Change the way you think and feel so you can ultimately change your life. If you continue to struggle with your self-esteem I encourage you to reach out to a local therapist who can help you identify barriers to change and assist you in sorting through your feelings or take a look at some self-help books that target increasing self-esteem. I personally did both and I am grateful for my commitment to working every day at being better than I was the day before and I truly want the same for you too!

Infidelity – Caught In The Act

Trust is an essential element to any relationship and is at the core of healthy relationships. Trust is built out of verbal and non-verbal communication. Unfortunately, once that trust has been abused and mishandled, it can be very difficult to rebuild.

Let’s say that you have a long-term relationship and you really love your partner, but your affair is revealed. No matter how you were caught the shock and betrayal have to be managed if you want to save the relationship. Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, anger, embarrassment, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame; but an affair does not have to mean the end of your relationship.

Here are some useful tips that may help you save your relationship:

• You must end the affair. If you want to preserve the relationship with your significant other, all interactions and communications must cease immediately with the other person.   

• You must have open communication and tell the truth. The lie has been revealed and you must be intentional and transparent. You will feel judged and unloved during the conversations but unfortunately this is often part of the process. The worst has already occurred, and denial of the truth is insulting especially when the person is now aware of the lies. Your goal is to salvage and rebuild. 

The long list of questions, the probe for details, the mixed emotions and seemingly irrational rants are a reaction to pain. If you do not want to lose your mate, you will have to endure their adjustment to learning about your secrets. Identify your issues and why you chose to break the agreement. If you do not communicate truthfully the relationship will fail. The two of you will have to determine if you want to work on saving the relationship or separate.  Together the relationship needs to be examined because it has now been altered.

• Apologize. You broke the agreement to be exclusive and your partner is emotionally hurt and confused. You need to communicate remorse and begin new behaviors that support your apology. Be accountable for your choices and do not attempt to put the blame on your partner.  

• Give your partner some space. Stress is stress; whether it is emotional, physical, mental or financial and neither of you can rush the process of getting on the other side of the issue. You must take breaks from the issues to allow ample time to evaluate and actively engage in self-care. 

• Seek counseling. Infidelity often reveals unspoken expectations, codependency as well as incompatible ideas and needs. Counseling provides both parties an impartial ear, objective ideas and a safe space to process the trouble spots. There is a deep dive into “why” and then “what now”. This is where new agreements and expectations are created, respect is learned, and understanding can happen. 

Sometimes after overcoming a situation like this, the relationship exceeds your expectations and a healthy relationship is born. But understand, you may also find that you have had some poor coping skills, toxic learned behavior, unrealistic expectations and damaging patterns that you or both of you will have to work on managing for the duration of the relationship and your mental health. This is possible for all involved but not without empathy, patience and willingness. 

4 Steps to Begin Conquering Low Self Esteem

Believe it or not, some of the most successful people you see in the media today used to have low self-esteem. How did they overcome this and become the successful people that they are today?

You CAN win the battle over low self-esteem beginning with these 4 steps.

1. Affirmations

Affirmations are simply positive statements that you say out loud to yourself every day. This can be very difficult at times because you may not actually BELIEVE what you are saying. So why would you say something to yourself that you don’t believe? Affirmations strengthen our belief in our potential to manifest our desires.

Increased self-esteem has to start with you. Your self-esteem is likely a product of hearing negative messages over and over again, so often that you began to believe them. Therefore, one can surmise that countering them with positive messages will over time, become believable. Positive affirmations such as “I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacefully detach from them” or “I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind”.

Repeat statements like these to yourself out loud at least 10 times in the mirror before leaving home. When you say them, do not mumble them, say them as many times as necessary with passion and conviction.

2. Read to grow

Again, increased self-esteem starts with you and what you practice on a daily basis. Read something every day for at least 30 minutes that will help you increase your self-esteem. This can be an article, a book, or even a listening to a podcast that supports the affirmations you repeat. The more you learn and incorporate into your thought patterns the more you will grow. The more you grow, the more your self-esteem will improve.

3. Take action every day

Do something every day, starting with something small, that directly positions you to deal with your low self-esteem. For instance, if you have difficulty talking with people because you feel insecure and inferior, start off by saying speaking and proudly stating your name with eye contact. Do this with everyone you come in contact with to build your confidence the fears of having to interact with others in a social setting. The consistency pushes out the habit of negative thinking.

4. Manage the negative thoughts

Negative thoughts are like land mines. As soon as you step out to face your fear, a negative thought comes and tells you that you CANNOT do it and BOOM; you believe it and lose that round. Instead, diffuse negative thoughts before they have a chance to do damage. A great way to do damage control is by challenging the negative thoughts. A pattern of thoughts often filled with assumptions, generalizations and catastrophizing that create a cycle of thinking that seems to support the low self-esteem. Every time a thought comes into your head that tells you that you can’t – counter it with how you CAN succeed.

These four steps are a great starting point and quite possibly may seem challenging but remember there is no quick fix and the goal is to focus on progressing and managing. As long as you are working on it and progressing, it means you’re still in the fight and you have not given up on yourself. Self-esteem is filled with self-acceptance, self-worth and self-love, all areas that took a beating over time. Reclaim your sense of self and work diligently on rebuilding! Books, positive statements from others, focusing on your strengths and working on areas of improvement, journaling and engaging in individual therapy are all layers of helping yourself overcome a poor sense of self. Tap into your resources and become that better version of yourself.