7 Ways to Enhance Your Communication With Your Partner

Relationships are often easy in the beginning. However, the fun of a new passionate experience tends to wane over time. Not to say your relationship will lose its passion, but as we settle into a long relationship a new dynamic is developed that is not reliant on puppy-love phase.

This is when communication becomes an imperative part of the relationship. Communication maintains and builds closeness. It also helps to avoid many of the misunderstandings and avoidable drama that plague many relationships. If the communication with your partner is poor, it’s only a matter of time before the relationship greatly suffers. The best time to begin working on your communication with your partner is before you need it.

Use these strategies to enhance your relationship by enhancing your communication:

1. Ask more questions. Questions are a powerful communication tool. They accomplish so much with so little effort.
   

   Questions show interest. By asking a question, you’re implying that you care. People like it when you demonstrate that you care.
   

   Questions help to remove confusion and ambiguity. Rather than make assumptions and potentially create a bigger issue, just ask a question and verify what is happening.
   

   Questions aren’t a lot of work. Just ask the question, be quiet, and listen. You can be quite the skilled conversationalist just by asking a couple of good questions. Asking good questions can make all of your relationships more rewarding.
   

2. Listen. Half of communication is listening. When it’s your partner’s turn to talk, listen. Most people don’t really listen. All they want to do is speak. Listening is often seen as simply waiting for another opportunity to talk, but this is a huge mistake. People are well aware whether you’re listening or just biding your time.
   

3. Communicate your needs. Don’t make it difficult for your partner to know what you need from them. Tell them! There’s no reason to make it a secret. Make it easy for others to help you and to make you happy.
   

   Communicating your needs is one of the best things you can do for yourself and your relationship.

4. Spend more time together. It’s important to share some of the same experiences. It helps you to learn more about each other and gives you something to talk about. Shared experiences provide the opportunity for better bonding. What are some things that you both like to do?
   

5. Avoid assumptions. Assumptions unnecessarily create additional challenges in all relationships. It’s easier to be 100% certain than to guess. Assumptions lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If you’re not sure about something, ask.
   

6. Address the situation rather than attack your partner. If your partner is doing something you don’t like, address what they are doing. This is much more effective than attacking your partner. No one likes to be attacked. It shuts down communication and creates animosity.
   

7. Have fun together. Do fun activities together. Do things together that are enjoyable. Communication is easier when everyone is having a good time. You’ll like each other more if you can have fun with each other. If all the time you spend together is miserable, your relationship and your communication will suffer.
   

Better communication with our partners is something that we know we need, but it’s not always obvious how to accomplish it.

Fortunately, the basics are easy to accomplish. Spend more meaningful time together, focus on being an excellent listener, and communicate your needs. These simple steps can enhance your relationship significantly.

A meaningful relationship is worth the effort. Make your communication with your partner a priority.

Reaching Forgiveness

How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me? How can I forgive my significant other for betraying me?

How can I face and forgive abusers and manipulators?

How can I forgive myself when others do not forgive me and throw my past in my face every chance they get?

These are just a few of the questions that come up in session about forgiveness.

We have all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul, and it is. It would be great if we could will(force) ourselves to forgive, yet forgiveness cannot be forced. For so many people forgiving is looks like denying the anger, shame, blame, embarrassment and judgment that may still be there. It has been said that “it’s letting them off the hook without a punishment”. So how do we reach forgiveness?

Forgiveness toward others can occur when you start to actively forgive yourself and make a regular practice of loving yourself. When you judge yourself, you will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others, no matter how much you tell yourself that you have forgiven them.

Let’s start with the first question about forgiving parents. As long as you continue to treat yourself in the abusive ways your parents may have treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It is your lack of self-care that perpetuates that anger and hurt. As an adult, you have a wonderful opportunity to learn how to treat yourself with the love, respect, caring and understanding you may have lacked as a child. When you don’t make an effort to accept that you’re not able to change the events that took place, you stay in that disempowering space. Yes, you were wronged, placed in situations where you had no control and robbed of your voice. Now you unconsciously continue the abuse on yourself; similarly, to the way you were abused. When you quiet yourself, you pass on the opportunity to advocate for you! Then you shame yourself, fearing the opportunity to create protective boundaries that can help you heal.

How can you forgive your significant other?

This one can be tricky because you may struggle with taking responsibility for your participation in the breakdown of the relationship which can be confused with taking responsibility for the betrayal. This is definitely not the case! Ask yourself about the times you did not listen to yourself or honor yourself in the relationship. Do you need to forgive yourself for having lose boundaries? Do you have some patterns of behavior such as perfectionism, gaslighting, poor listening skills or controlling behavior that contributed to negativity in the relationship that you perhaps need to change? This means looking at yourself when you really want to focus on the how and why of the other person. It’s hard to see your partner as this flawed being that was willing to put themselves in the position to betray you, but unfortunately human beings are truly flawed. Your partner’s betrayal (no matter how much they attempt to blame you) is not your fault and you will have to accept that you are not the identified person to fix them. Each person will need to be accountable for their own actions. Your job is to investigate how to improve your understanding of what contributed to the injustice. Even if you plan to leave the relationship, you need to forgive yourself and you will eventually create the space to forgive the other person.

Facing and forgiving abusers and manipulators actually has little to do with them. This is not about pardoning, excusing or saying, “I forgive you”. It’s about rationalizing you have been mishandled and mistreated - you are choosing to live a fulfilling life despite their lack of respect, care and concern for you. You have been living in a toxic situation and sometimes you judge yourself for “staying too long” or tell yourself “I should have known better”; that’s looking back and living in the past. Once again, forgiveness is about the natural outgrowth of doing your inner work, moving out of self-judgment and into self-compassion. When you move out of self-judgment you move into acceptance and forgiving yourself for not looking for what’s “owed to you” which is essentially looking for revenge.

How do you forgive yourself when others do not forgive you and throw your past in your face every chance they get? Please know that you will be stuck in anger, self-sabotaging thinking and behavior, judgment, and a victim mindset as long as you allow others to be responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself. Their forgiveness has nothing to do with your decision to judge or forgive yourself. You can learn to love, accept and respect yourself despite your flaws, imperfections. It is all part of the growth process.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary.

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is necessary. It has to be intentional and it is followed up with managing your perspective, your emotions and your behavior. It’s not about letting go or forgetting; but it is about change, being resilient and overcoming. Forgiveness is often mistaken for the hope of an apology and acknowledgement of wrongdoing – unfortunately you might be waiting for a long time. Looking for this has the makings of holding on to the hurt and pain until they give you permission to let go….You are in charge of your thoughts and feelings and you have been empowered for a long time with the ability to move forward.

Start Building Self Esteem Today

High self-esteem is an extremely important characteristic. Without high levels of self-esteem, you are unlikely to see yourself as being worthy of success or happiness. Low self-esteem can create emotional and cognitive behaviors that are not aligned with who you are or who you want to become.

Higher self-esteem will give you the courage to keep going when things get tough. The way that you see yourself can change your perspective from a pessimistic expectation to an optimistic one. It can make the difference between pushing through or staying in limbo.

Unfortunately, the value of self-esteem is often overlooked, yet the truth is we could all improve our level of self-esteem in some way or another.

The things that can improve your self-esteem can be quite simple, yet it requires consistency. What are some of the things you do for yourself that makes you feel good about yourself? What behaviors do you engage in or see others practice that you believe will illicit higher confidence, self-acceptance and worthiness?

I can tell you from experience that my self-esteem did not increase until I put boundaries in place that allowed me the time and ability to focus on me. Working on self-development, envisioning myself saying “no” to people, places and things that no longer allowed me to grow. Trusting myself to know what was good for me without opening the door for the opinion of others. I no longer sought the affirmation and validation from my friends and family. Furthermore, I unselfishly loved myself the way I deserved which automatically created boundaries for others who attempted to mistreat me.

The conversation that you have with yourself is the most critical one you can and will have in life. Trying on clothes and calling yourself fat, skinny, stupid, dumb, too short, too tall, too dark, too light or ANYTHING other than beautiful will cause your self-esteem to plummet. How can you lift your spirit and feed your soul garbage at the same time? It doesn’t align; therefore, feed yourself an abundance of good and healthy thoughts!

It’s quite ok to have days where you aren’t feeling your best so do not beat yourself up when you find it hard to speak so kindly of yourself. However, lifting yourself out of the dumps requires intentional care so you don’t stay low. Fill your cup with affirmations such as the following:

• I can respect myself, even if I didn’t do it in the past.

• I will continue to grow and thrive; despite my beginning.

• I am capable of handling difficult situations.

• I may be tired, but I have what it takes to meet my goals.

• I have pride in who I am because I am not a quitter.

So, when you look at self-esteem from this perspective, you can see that overall self-esteem is just a balance between things that make you feel good, and things that make you feel bad. If you feel good more often than you do bad, you will have higher self-esteem and vice versa. The key here is changing what you’ve always done to what you’re starting to do. If you are able to identify the things that make you feel bad and replace them with the things that make you feel good, ultimately your self-esteem will improve.

This principle of change is so simple it is often overlooked, because people become used to doing the same things day in day out. Change the record! By doing the same things every day, your thought patterns remain the same every day and so you FEEL the same every day. Change the way you think and feel so you can ultimately change your life. If you continue to struggle with your self-esteem I encourage you to reach out to a local therapist who can help you identify barriers to change and assist you in sorting through your feelings or take a look at some self-help books that target increasing self-esteem. I personally did both and I am grateful for my commitment to working every day at being better than I was the day before and I truly want the same for you too!

Infidelity – Caught In The Act

Trust is an essential element to any relationship and is at the core of healthy relationships. Trust is built out of verbal and non-verbal communication. Unfortunately, once that trust has been abused and mishandled, it can be very difficult to rebuild.

Let’s say that you have a long-term relationship and you really love your partner, but your affair is revealed. No matter how you were caught the shock and betrayal have to be managed if you want to save the relationship. Infidelity causes intense emotional pain, anger, embarrassment, disbelief, fear, guilt and shame; but an affair does not have to mean the end of your relationship.

Here are some useful tips that may help you save your relationship:

• You must end the affair. If you want to preserve the relationship with your significant other, all interactions and communications must cease immediately with the other person.   

• You must have open communication and tell the truth. The lie has been revealed and you must be intentional and transparent. You will feel judged and unloved during the conversations but unfortunately this is often part of the process. The worst has already occurred, and denial of the truth is insulting especially when the person is now aware of the lies. Your goal is to salvage and rebuild. 

The long list of questions, the probe for details, the mixed emotions and seemingly irrational rants are a reaction to pain. If you do not want to lose your mate, you will have to endure their adjustment to learning about your secrets. Identify your issues and why you chose to break the agreement. If you do not communicate truthfully the relationship will fail. The two of you will have to determine if you want to work on saving the relationship or separate.  Together the relationship needs to be examined because it has now been altered.

• Apologize. You broke the agreement to be exclusive and your partner is emotionally hurt and confused. You need to communicate remorse and begin new behaviors that support your apology. Be accountable for your choices and do not attempt to put the blame on your partner.  

• Give your partner some space. Stress is stress; whether it is emotional, physical, mental or financial and neither of you can rush the process of getting on the other side of the issue. You must take breaks from the issues to allow ample time to evaluate and actively engage in self-care. 

• Seek counseling. Infidelity often reveals unspoken expectations, codependency as well as incompatible ideas and needs. Counseling provides both parties an impartial ear, objective ideas and a safe space to process the trouble spots. There is a deep dive into “why” and then “what now”. This is where new agreements and expectations are created, respect is learned, and understanding can happen. 

Sometimes after overcoming a situation like this, the relationship exceeds your expectations and a healthy relationship is born. But understand, you may also find that you have had some poor coping skills, toxic learned behavior, unrealistic expectations and damaging patterns that you or both of you will have to work on managing for the duration of the relationship and your mental health. This is possible for all involved but not without empathy, patience and willingness. 

4 Steps to Begin Conquering Low Self Esteem

Believe it or not, some of the most successful people you see in the media today used to have low self-esteem. How did they overcome this and become the successful people that they are today?

You CAN win the battle over low self-esteem beginning with these 4 steps.

1. Affirmations

Affirmations are simply positive statements that you say out loud to yourself every day. This can be very difficult at times because you may not actually BELIEVE what you are saying. So why would you say something to yourself that you don’t believe? Affirmations strengthen our belief in our potential to manifest our desires.

Increased self-esteem has to start with you. Your self-esteem is likely a product of hearing negative messages over and over again, so often that you began to believe them. Therefore, one can surmise that countering them with positive messages will over time, become believable. Positive affirmations such as “I forgive those who have harmed me in my past and peacefully detach from them” or “I wake up today with strength in my heart and clarity in my mind”.

Repeat statements like these to yourself out loud at least 10 times in the mirror before leaving home. When you say them, do not mumble them, say them as many times as necessary with passion and conviction.

2. Read to grow

Again, increased self-esteem starts with you and what you practice on a daily basis. Read something every day for at least 30 minutes that will help you increase your self-esteem. This can be an article, a book, or even a listening to a podcast that supports the affirmations you repeat. The more you learn and incorporate into your thought patterns the more you will grow. The more you grow, the more your self-esteem will improve.

3. Take action every day

Do something every day, starting with something small, that directly positions you to deal with your low self-esteem. For instance, if you have difficulty talking with people because you feel insecure and inferior, start off by saying speaking and proudly stating your name with eye contact. Do this with everyone you come in contact with to build your confidence the fears of having to interact with others in a social setting. The consistency pushes out the habit of negative thinking.

4. Manage the negative thoughts

Negative thoughts are like land mines. As soon as you step out to face your fear, a negative thought comes and tells you that you CANNOT do it and BOOM; you believe it and lose that round. Instead, diffuse negative thoughts before they have a chance to do damage. A great way to do damage control is by challenging the negative thoughts. A pattern of thoughts often filled with assumptions, generalizations and catastrophizing that create a cycle of thinking that seems to support the low self-esteem. Every time a thought comes into your head that tells you that you can’t – counter it with how you CAN succeed.

These four steps are a great starting point and quite possibly may seem challenging but remember there is no quick fix and the goal is to focus on progressing and managing. As long as you are working on it and progressing, it means you’re still in the fight and you have not given up on yourself. Self-esteem is filled with self-acceptance, self-worth and self-love, all areas that took a beating over time. Reclaim your sense of self and work diligently on rebuilding! Books, positive statements from others, focusing on your strengths and working on areas of improvement, journaling and engaging in individual therapy are all layers of helping yourself overcome a poor sense of self. Tap into your resources and become that better version of yourself.

Why Every Couple Should Talk About Money

Talking about money is just as important as other parts of a couple’s long-term success. Communicating about money will ensure that the two of you are creating and committed to the same joint vision. When couples make time to talk about money on a regular basis there’s an increased chance of avoiding misunderstandings and inconsistencies. Here are 5 key reasons why money should be a part of your relationship conversations:

To Create a Joint Vision

The both of you may have very different ideas about what constitutes success. One of you may have a goal of home ownership and the other prefers to rent; one person may enjoy building a nest egg and living as a minimalist and the other person indulges in retail therapy and impulse buys. These are issues that are revealed when two people are able to discuss money without judgement. If these conversations do not take place; poor money habits become larger, trust weakens and tension builds.  As an active participant in accomplishing individual and collective goals, it’s important for each of you to feel heard and valued as a contributor in the relationship.  

To Ensure You’re on The Same Page

If you want to make sure you’re both on the same page about financial goals I encourage couples to come to the table with a list of their financial needs and wants broken down by long term and short term goals. Regardless of how compatible two people believe they are; it is always interesting to see how differently one thinks is the best way to accomplish said goals when they are written down and discussed at length. After you determine the two of you are on the same page is it a great idea to evaluate monthly to ensure staying on track. Monthly meetings will allow you to address impulses, deficits or concerns appropriately. 

To Pursue Shared Goals in Life

Actively pursuing shared life goals are an important part of any relationship. You and your significant other will appreciate the attention given to discuss saving for the future so that you can enjoy travel, or check things off your bucket list. Financial planning for the future will not only give you something to look forward to but it can also reduce stressful encounters and reduce negative feelings. 

While pursuing shard goals, it’s considered healthy to have individual goals throughout the duration of the relationship. Putting your income together for shared goals or routine household finances are common. However, if one of you wants to pursue school, start a business or purchase a new car; it is best to discuss them to ensure the both of you agree on the impact on your overall financial growth. 

To Avoid Problems 

How important is it to talk about your finances? If you never talk about money and both of you are doing “your own thing”, 20 years can go by without either of you paying attention. That means you’re likely enabling one anothers poor financial behavior, avoiding emotional blow ups (that will eventually happen anyway), wind up without a savings and essentially only manage tasks and putting out financial fires. While you can’t possibly be perfect or do everything perfectly; the goal is to intentionally working together at removing financial problems as one of your hurdles. 

The Financial Future

Talking about money doesn’t have to be hard. Financial planning is only one aspect of your life together, but it’s what is going to help you meet your goals individually and collectively with the goal of living a happier life. Talking about it and setting yourself up for success will simply remove undue stress that doesn’t have to exist. If the both of you commit to meeting on a regular basis to collaborate based on the wants and needs you are more likely to be successful.