Are You Over It?

The pandemic has stretched the patience and endurance of many. The year 2020 forced us to work outside our normal routines and it has gone on for so long we have a new normal…but this year 2021, right as we were brainstorming on how to get back to our 2019 activities…we realize this way of living in a pandemic may be even longer. 

Returning to life is still possible. You still CAN enjoy life. You can still work on your dreams and your passions – just differently. Have you ever thought maybe you are putting your ideas and way of living in a box? Our old way of socializing was only one way. Think outside the box and create alternatives to live life. The virus has mutated, and we can adapt. Remember we have intelligence and humans have adjusted through several adjustments.

What can you do to help yourself and others?

• Do your research. Media can send out messages, but trust your intellect and read.

• Find alternative ways to celebrate milestones and each other in non-conventional settings. Just because you always did it that way doesn’t mean it’s the only way to do it.

• Dating is hard right now; however, think outside the box to meet people where they are – they are likely looking to carry on with their love life too.

• Start or continue to work on projects that remind you of how awesome you are.

• Be encouraged to ask for help when you need it; there’s no reward for suffering in silence.

Continue your path to becoming who you are with all your courage, meaningful relationships, and ideas. Continue to plant your seeds; they will take root!

Why Coping Skills Are Important

What are they? Why are they so important? Where do I get them? These are all valid questions when you’re asked, “what are you doing to cope?”. It would be great if we had a laundry list of healthy coping skills on hand, but the truth is we learn by watching how others cope. 

It never occurred to me when growing up that some behaviors I observed were people “coping”. Coping with “life happening”, things they could not control and issues that had become chronic and just wanted to escape. What they were trying to escape was never obvious but seeing the relief a person had when they got that puff from a cigarette was a sign. Over time hearing statements like “I need a drink” or “I like being high because I’m calmer” were evident that some of this must be learned too. People are not just creating these vices, some of them are taught. They were being taught how to cope with whatever life throws at them from watching those around them and assuming that is works or that’s what everyone does. 

There are many but some of the most common coping vices are drugs, alcohol, sex, food, shopping, smoking cigarettes and even WORKING! Unfortunately, as most of us have experienced; they don’t work for long and they often become bad habits that do more harm than good. This is where drug addiction, hypersexuality, overeating (and food restrictions), “retail therapy” become problematic. We must be honest with ourselves; they do not help. There has to be a limit to all things. Even those working long hours, working out or just scrolling social media have to be careful. Too much of anything has a point where it starts as a “mental getaway” and ends with a barrage of negative thoughts, emotions and burn out. It’s understandable that if we are not careful, the very thing that was supposed to help becomes uncontrollable. The purpose of coping tools is to help alleviate tension, change perspective (or emotions) and give a mental break from racing thoughts or overthinking an issue. 

A review of current coping tools/vices are reviewed often in therapy sessions. We identify a way to measure the reduction of poor coping tools and the increase of healthier ones. The goal is to change the scales and balance what you can. There has to be a truth moment with yourself about how you are dealing with your stressors, poorly managed relationships and issues that are not within your control. Coping tools are important because they help us do just that – cope – deal with things. 

Things like mindfulness that helps you tap into your awareness and consciousness so that your response to issues are aligned. There are several ways to meditate so research them and see what may be helpful for you. Coloring, gardening, reading a new book, writing your thoughts (journaling), blowing up balloons, painting or even singing can be helpful. The thing that tends to throw people off about coping skills is the need for them to be done often and even better in a routine. It’s unrealistic to believe that when you are “in need” that these coping tools will occur to you. At that point the coping skill cannot match the intense feelings you are experiencing. You will likely become frustrated and convince yourself that they do not work. If you are consistent and aware of what each coping tool does for you – you can create a long list of coping skills for yourself that you only need to adjust at times of high anxiety, stress or frustration. As you slowly eliminate the old habits, you will eventually replace them with some that are much healthier.  

The bottom line is if what you are doing is no longer healthy and helpful, you need to explore more. Most things work when used appropriately and become second nature. Engaging in therapy is not always about your past but this where together we identify the source of some poor habits and reveal what you need today.   

What Did Stress Reveal to Me?

The general consensus is 2020 has been full of stress and will likely go down in history as the most stressful year for a lot of people. Have you paid attention to how the stress has impacted you? Do you feel compressed and overwhelmed? Are your thoughts on the treadmill of your mind? Does problem solving seem to be at an all-time high?

“What we don’t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.” – Brene Brown

This quote is such a reminder that most people are doing the best they can with their situations and who are we to shame them? Don’t cover up your stress either! No need to be ashamed and please do not allow others to shame you for having a human response to life altering situations. But you can definitely modify how you use it. I have found that some of my best ideas came from me feeling squeezed by stress. I wear a lot of hats and I know you do to but it’s the way we move in it that will determine the long-term effects. I’ve had hair loss, weight gain (stress eating is a thing), headaches, irritability, isolation and self-defeating behaviors when I could not control my stress. It often led to depression if it went unresolved for too long. This is not to say that I don’t experience those symptoms again; I definitely do, but I no longer suffer such negative consequences as a result.

1. Allow your mind to protect you; it was designed to identify ways to protect you. Allow your stress response to move you into doing and not paralysis. Get organized! Do a brain dump on paper, white board or your phone. Who do you need to call? Where do you need to go? Who do you need to see? Stay current – don’t look too far back or forward. Now is not the time to discuss a five-year plan!

2. You know that stress can weigh down your immune system and make you vulnerable to disease. One sure fire way to use/fight stress is to remind you to take your vitamins, stray away from the junk and/or go sweat it out. For those that stress eat like myself, I tend to find alternatives to what I’m trying to accomplish. This is not a time to work against myself. I want to chew something crunchy and often salty; therefore, I will look for snacks like nuts instead of chips or fries.

3. Stress can be motivating by giving us a rush of energy to do things we loathe and even move through them quickly because we want to check it off of our list. Cleaning, fixing, moving and correcting will often happen because we are “frustrated” or “irritable”. Go ahead – get it done! You might find some answers in that stack of papers you’ve been shuffling around.

4. Some people get a rush from competing. I personally don’t have a competing spirit against others, but I do enjoy outdoing myself and boy do I praise myself when I get it right! I add to my number of strengths and shore up my limitations and this is not done when I’m relaxed…stress usually lights a fire up under me. I am going to get stronger in some facet of my life because I want to be a better version of me and if increased stress helps me build resilience then I’m open to it.

Essentially, your perspective about stress does not have to change BUT your reaction to it does. Use your time effectively, control what is within your power, be realistic with your approach and allow your mind to move from fixed and paralyzed to growth.

Adopt These 3 Habits Today To Beat Stress, Anxiety and Depression

Whether you have intermittent bouts of stress, anxiety and depression or it’s a chronic problem, you can change. When you adopt positive habits, they can have a powerful effect on many areas of your life. Let’s take a look at three habits you can adopt today to ease stress, anxiety and depression.

Move your body. Our bodies were not meant to be stationary, sitting on the couch or at a desk all day long. Your body was designed to move. When you move your body you release hormones and activate systems that keep you both physically and mentally/emotionally healthy.

Movement helps not only alleviate stress and anxiety, it helps your body manage it better. It can be compared to vitamin C or zinc for avoiding or reducing the symptoms of the common cold. Movement helps you reduce the symptoms or avoid, stress, depression and anxiety.

What do we mean by movement? Just that, walk, dance, swim, run, do yoga or stretch. It doesn’t matter so much what you do. What matters is that you move your body. A common rule of thumb is to take 10,000 steps a day and/or exercise for 30 minutes.

Moderate exercise is often the easiest to adapt into your current lifestyle. You can walk for 30 minutes, do yoga, jog, swim, dance, and box – whatever you desire. Find something you enjoy and get your amazing body moving like it was designed to.

Quiet your mind. Meditation is the simplest way to quiet your mind. And the wonderful thing about meditation is that there is no right or wrong way to do it. You can walk and meditate. You can sit and meditate.

You can focus on your breathing. You can visualize a scene that makes you feel relaxed. The goal is to simply quiet your mind. To learn to clear away unconscious thoughts. Once you can learn how to control your thoughts and quiet your mind, you can instantly have a better reaction to stress and anxiety. It changes your mindset.

How long should you quiet your mind? When creating a new habit, it’s best to start small. Create a habit you absolutely know you can stick to. Start with 5 minutes of meditation. Add it to the beginning or end of your day, whichever is easiest.

Fuel your body. Your body needs a variety of nutrients and vitamins to help it run optimally. When you fuel your body well, you’re better able to manage stress and you’re simply going to feel better. Depression and anxiety don’t stand a chance. When you put harmful things into your body like too much alcohol, caffeine, sugar and nicotine then your body becomes stressed and it cannot manage the things life throws at you.

Take a multi-vitamin. Cut back on alcohol, caffeine and sugar. And add a serving of fruits or veggies to each meal and snack. This is an easy way to make sure you’re giving your body the nutrients it needs to function well.

Experts say that it takes three weeks to adopt a new habit. These three stress, anxiety and depression reducing habits are simple to adopt. The tough part is committing to them for those first three weeks. You can do it! Your body and your future are depending on you.

Learning Healthy Anger Management Strategies

There are many strategies to managing anger and each of them is intended to help people who are repeatedly having issues managing a healthy and normal response to upsetting situations. Sometimes things can be so intense that it escalates to the point of violence. When a person experiences multiple episodes of angry or reckless behavior; there's a problem, one that needs to be dealt with. Anger management strategies are designed to help an individual (and loved ones) return to a healthy, normal existence. 

 Taking a time-out is considered a healthy management strategy. Removing oneself from a situation or person that makes a person angry is eliminating the stimuli or trigger. This anger management strategy might simply require a ride in the car or a walk on the beach. Playing sports or working out can help use up some of the extra energy without involving others. Some other suggestions for time-out are reading, listening to music or sitting alone in silence. Each of these activities are considered healthy anger management strategies. 

A second example of healthy anger management is owning up to the anger. Although the anger is usually brought on by an irritating situation or a confrontation with another individual, you have to own your own emotions and behavior. Only the person who's experiencing the anger issues can control their outbursts. When an individual becomes angry, they need to try to disclose the reasons for their anger whether it is hurt, fear, frustration, confusion or jealousy. The person on the receiving end of the blow up will not know unless you verbalize it. 

 Our past can be our greatest teacher because we learn from past experiences. Look back on those situations that upset you before and try to find ways to handle them differently in the future. Learning the cause of your anger may help avoid those escalations that hurt others. Not only might you learn to avoid extenuating circumstances, but you might learn the origin of your trigger. Sometimes we are angry at ourselves and then there are times that we are really trying to protect ourselves with learned behaviors from our past.

Anger is a natural emotion and should not be avoided; trying to ignore it or normalize unhealthy behavior can and will create problems. There are self-help books, online courses, workshops and support groups provided by mental health providers that can help you unlearn what you think you know about anger management. Learning healthier strategies is something we all could benefit from and there are awesome resources near you that can help.

What About Anger Management Classes?

Many people with anger issues believe they can change at any time. By dismissing the behavior, individuals assume that their problem will disappear. Families attempt to function daily living with a person who has problems with controlling their temper. Fathers, mothers, even children can disrupt the entire household due to uncontrollable fits of rage. Keeping it a secret is toxic to the entire family. Denying the problem and refusing to deal with the anger issue solves absolutely nothing. In fact, when people ignore anger issues for too long the environment can become violent and even deadly.

As difficult as it may be, you are encouraged to be honest about the issues; accept there's a problem and begin finding the solution. Finding the right course of treatment will depend on the individual or family involved. Some may choose one on one counseling, while others may feel comfortable in a small support group setting. What about anger management classes? Sometimes this might be a great option for a person with repeated serious behavioral problems.

Anger management classes overseen by a professional in the field of anger management provides an opportunity for people to learn techniques and strategies to control their anger. Teaching participants how to deal with their anger by managing unwanted or harmful feelings and emotions. Explaining the benefits of exercises such as deep breathing, meditation and other means of relaxation would likely be on the lesson plan. Helping people to find positive and constructive ways to work through their problems with anger is the main objective of anger management classes.

Some individuals, especially those who are new to anger management classes, may feel uncomfortable or intimidated by the thought of a class setting. The classes are not meant to be threatening or demeaning. In fact they are supposed to be the exact opposite. Anger management classes should be relaxing and informal without any feelings of shame or embarrassment. Anger management classes are intended to help people by communicating respect, understanding, support and encouragement.

Where would an interested person enroll for anger management classes?

Sometimes an individual's first contact is the municipal courts. However, countless people have identified the need for themselves without coming in contact with any legal professionals. Feel free to reach out to counselors and/or medical professionals as they should be able to provide some information regarding anger management classes in the local area. If this doesn't work, the Internet is always a great resource for details about anger management including anger management classes. Internet searches can also provide plenty of information. Be sure to check out the contact information, dates, times and locations for various anger management classes. It is absolutely normal for someone to anxious about the first steps; but today there is plenty of help available in these situations. A person simply needs to ask for it.

Let's Talk About Codependency

The mere nature of relationships come with an array of dynamics. As we grow and invest time as well as energy into a relationship, we may find that we have been building a relationship built on unhealthy behaviors. One of the most common trends that we find during counseling sessions is a pattern of codependency. It is a common term you may have heard before but let's delve into what it means, what the patterns and pitfalls look like and finally ways to break its cycle.

The term codependency is commonly associated with people who are supporting or enabling individuals dealing with addiction. But that is only one of the many ways in which a relationship can exhibit signs of codependency.

In fact, any two people who are invested to the point where neither can function independently may be considered codependent. While typically there is a passive party who looks to the other for decision making and a more commanding personality who is "in charge" it is important to remember this is going to look different from situation to situation. The consistent factor is if your sense of self-worth and identity are wrapped up in another person's mood and happiness- it is an unhealthy dynamic. 

Hallmark Signs of Codependency include:

• Inability to make decisions within a relationship

• Low self-esteem and lacking trust in yourself

• Valuing the approval of others more than yourself

• Constant fears of abandonment

• Being dependent on the other person to your own detriment

• Feeling an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the behaviors/actions of others

Many people involved in codependent relationships benefit from therapy. Individual sessions can help the traditionally "dependent" person build self-esteem, confidence and an understanding why they are relying so much on other people for fulfillment. If both people are invested in change, couples or family therapy can help restructure the framework of their relationship.

• Breaking the cycle will begin with taking accountability for your contribution to the relationship and being honest with yourself and your partner. Living a lie breeds resentment and anger but an open dialogue about your needs and desires can be the start of healing.

• Creating or re-establishing ties with people outside of your codependent relationship(s) can help eliminate the feelings of isolation that often accompany these situations. External relationships have often suffered neglect so it may feel like a big task but small steps such as texting or even going the extra mile of a mailed card can go a long way in the right direction. 

• Reignite your passions! Pick up a hobby; whether it's continuing an old one or starting a new pursuit. This time for yourself spent doing what you love will help you feel whole without the other person.

• Eliminating the codependent behavior may or may not entail saying goodbye to your partner but the goal of breaking the cycle of codependency is to ultimately see yourself as a competent and capable independent person.

• Setting clear boundaries. Where does your partners needs end and yours begin?  Realizing you are not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own will allow you to live in a guilt free healthy relationship.

Lastly, remember that healthy relationships are comprised of two separate identities having commonalities and differences with acceptance, respect and level of understanding. When you find yourself consumed with your significant other in a way that your own interests, happiness and mental health start to take a back seat to theirs – get help. Self-care can begin with reaching out to a mental health professional for individual therapy or group therapy to learn behavioral patterns and coping skills to change course.   

6 Ways You Can Help Reduce The Mental Health Stigma

The stigma for mental health clients continues to negatively impact communities of all kinds. The taboo of being mentally unwell crosses all socioeconomic levels, age groups, races, religions and professions. Similar to a physical health diagnosis; some people simply do not want to know, they are ashamed or in denial of their symptoms and self medicate. Whether you are the potential client or close to the potential client I believe the general consensus is, having a mental health crisis can be scary for everyone involved.

As a therapist, my goal is to discuss mental wellness with as many people as possible to help normalize seeking treatment for mental health and wellness. What better time to have an open dialogue about mental health than now with the many changes in our healthcare system. It would be ideal if everyone could set aside their assumptions, fears and negative perspectives about mental health. We can help those around us seek help without the fear of labeling and minimizing with a few tips. Below are a few ways to help someone that appears to need help achieving mental wellness.

What Can you Do....

Get educated. Learn the facts about symptoms you experience or observe in someone else. Mental health needs are not the same in everyone and can manifest differently for each person. Everyone will not need a diagnose, hospitalization or medication.

Know who to call and when. There is only so much self medicating once can do before the symptoms become too much to manage. Simply talking about mental health will not give a person any ideas. Sometimes, someone initiating a discussion can break the ice and start the process. Know the resources in your community and call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department when the symptoms appear unmanageable.

Be supportive. If you are struggling with providing support, connect with someone that is empathetic to you and can possibly lead you in the right direction. There are a number treatments available and it takes courage to seek the help. The difference between someone seeking help or silently fighting can be the support of one helpful individual.

Be aware of your own judgements and prejudices. We all have them; and unfortunately many come from other uneducated individuals passing on poor information. Be honest about your own shame and guilt about mental health so that you can be an active participant in ending the stigma.

Listen, listen, listen. Whether you have a mental health diagnosis or not - we all want to be heard. We all want to know that someone is listening to us and/or trying to understand what we need. Just because you don’t understand the symptoms does not mean you are not able to help.

Support mental health organizations and providers. Many organizations close due to funding and lack of community support. Volunteering your time and/or money goes a long way to provide resources for those in need of services. You may not know who you helped specifically but your contribution can help other professionals and volunteers with ending the negative stigma.

Mental health care and treatment is a universal issue and awareness is one of the critical pieces to making treatment available.